What is BDSM Coaching? - Part 1- Approaching sessions from my background & perspective as a BDSM Coach.

Ashley Randall
Jul 15, 2024
5 min read

Updated: Apr 25

What Is BDSM Coaching? (And How It Actually Works in Real Life)

I’m sitting with my new clients, a couple who are looking for help in having kinkier sex. Through their consult call said they were interested in trying a Dominant/submissive dynamic in bed but weren’t sure of where to start and couldn’t find much helpful information.

This is what I do.

I help humans get out of their own way from all the conditioning and stereotypes that cause us to fear and hide what we really want in play, sex and connection.

How BDSM Coaching Helps Couples Explore Power Dynamics Safely

This time it’s about playing with power in sex play between partners.

They expressed her wanting to be more dominant and him more submissive, an energetic and power exchange dynamic I have been seeing more recently in the mainstream media from under the BDSM umbrella. I’m happy to see more positive representation and kinky play being more accepted.

However, there is a lot of negative messaging, misinformation and showing misuse and abuse for shock value out there leading to stigma that really does all of us a huge disservice. Most of us are just trying to feel safe finding, accepting, voicing and not hiding what we really want to feel, experience and be seen as with our chosen humans.

Common Misconceptions About BDSM (And Why They’re Harmful)

Kinky is a relative term .

For some, kinky sex means experimenting with lace lingerie or going to sex parties and to some others it could be involving things, acts and psychological plays that are completely yummy to them but yuck to others.

It’s all subjective.

Fetish is also usually an object, body part or thing that inspires pretty instant sexual desire and usually needed for desire and arousal. So when someone says that they can only get in the mood with long walks on the beach, rose petals, candles and wearing silk, or "romance", sounds like romantic play and those items are their fetish.

What matters isn’t whether something is “kinky enough.”

What matters is whether it’s authentic to you.

Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About What You Want Sexually

During the consultation call, I felt hesitancy in their voices.

She sounded like she thought she was saying something wrong or too much and he had nervous laughter taking a stab at describing what he wanted and searching for reassurance that it was ok.

It felt like I was the first person they had said it aloud.

This is something I take with great care. I want to make sure that they feel safe with me.

It means a lot to be someone that they share such an important and intimate part of their life and relationship with and it doesn't have to be as scary as we can make it out to be.

How Gender Roles Affect Desire, Confidence, and Sexual Expression

For many people socialized as men, letting go of responsibility of leading can be counterintuitive.

This having to know how to read someone’s mind to lead in flirting, seduction and sex and can cause so much anxiety around performance. This can lead to disconnection from themselves, partner and even sexual function.

For people socialized as women, we're often taught that we need to rely on a man to guide us and know what our desires are, not speak up, be passive and be the gatekeepers of our boundaries. So when we're invited to speak openly about what we want, it can feel disorienting and even like an identity shift.

Where Do Kinks Come From? Understanding the Psychology of Desire

Just because we have desires that are sadistic, masochistic, dominant or submissive doesn’t mean that's who we are outside of the bedroom.

Our desires actually come from our brain eroticizing emotional needs, past experiences and formative moments from our lives.

Using myself as an example:

I’ve struggled with fears of not being capable, important or seen. I felt awkward and insecure growing up, having my voice constantly cut-down and feeling like a burden because others needs were more important. I didn’t feel attractive or important enough for someone to actually like me or value my thoughts or what I felt. I also feel harmful inside for my animalistic and sadistic urges that I repressed for fear of hurting others.

How Exploring My Own Desires Changed My Life and Work

When I trained as a Dominatrix, something shifted. I felt far more seen and accepted.

I loved being able to show this side of myself. I was able to develop my loving sadist with those I felt safe with.

I learned to accept that others wanted to give me what I want AND they craved my “dark” side. I wasn't being harmful to them.

My sadism is about witnessing the emotional, psychological and physical impact I have within a deeply consensual, attuned, and intimate container. It’s about creating an experience that allows someone to feel what they deeply crave, safely and intentionally.

What You Learn in BDSM Coaching: Communication, Safety, and Power Play

In coaching, all of this can be huge paradigm shifts.

I help clients:

Understand their desires
Build language around them
Communicate clearly and safely
Explore them in a structured, consensual way

We co-create what I call a “sexy play menu” and explore it together slowly, intentionally, and with care.

What It Means to Be Dominant or Submissive (Beyond Stereotypes)

There's a lot of misinformation out there on this.

Being Dominant doesn’t mean being forceful, cold, or controlling. It means being:

Highly Attuned
Responsible for your safety and theirs on multiple levels
Emotionally aware of the both of you
Knowing your kinks and understanding theirs and their limits so you know the limits in which to play

Being submissive isn’t weakness. It’s the vulnerability of: