I’m sitting with my new clients, a couple who are looking for help in having kinkier sex. Through their consult call said they were interested in trying a Dominant/submissive dynamic in bed but weren’t sure of where to start and couldn’t find much helpful information. This is what I do. I help humans get out of their own way from all the conditioning and stereotypes that cause us to fear and hide what we really want in play, sex and connection. This time it’s about playing with power in sex play between partners.
They expressed her wanting to be more dominant and him more submissive, an energetic and power exchange dynamic I have been seeing more recently in the mainstream media from under the BDSM umbrella. I’m happy to see more positive representation and kinky play being more accepted. However, there is a lot of negative messaging, misinformation and showing misuse and abuse for shock value out there leading to stigma that really does all of us a huge disservice. Most of us are just trying to feel safe finding, accepting, voicing and not hiding what we really want to feel, experience and be seen as with our chosen humans.
Kinky is a relative term by the way. For some, kinky sex means experimenting with lace lingerie or going to sex parties and to some others it could be involving things, acts and psychological plays that are completely yummy to them but yuck to others. It’s all subjective!
Fetish is also usually an object, body part or thing that inspires pretty instant sexual desire and needed for desire and arousal. So when someone says that they can only get in the mood with long walks on the beach, rose petals, candles and wearing silk, or "romance", sounds like romantic play and the aforementioned items are their fetish. I’m personally into power dynamics and feeling the impact I have on my partner, playing their mind and body like an instrument and leaving them spent and sated after consensually pushing their psychological edges. I love holding them and feeling the resonance of mutually seeing each other so deeply. But, more on that later.
During the consultation call, I felt some hesitancy to describe what they want in their voices. She sounded like she thought she was saying something wrong or too much and he had nervous laughter taking a stab at describing what he wanted and searching for reassurance that it was ok. It felt like I was the first person they had said it aloud to outside of each other. This is something I take with great care with and I want to make sure that they feel safe with me. It means a lot to be someone that they share such an important and intimate part of their life and relationship with and it doesn't have to be as scary as we can make it out to be.
I’ve seen that for many humans socialized as men, letting go of responsibility of leading and being the “aggressor” can be a bit counterintuitive to what has been coded into their minds. This having to know how to read someone’s mind to lead in flirting, seduction, initiating and sex and perform perfectly and long enough, I have seen cause so much anxiety around performance. This can lead to disconnection from themselves, partner and even sexual function. It’s a huge disservice to put that on someone’s shoulders. It’s also awful that people socialized as women have been taught to just rely on someone else to know how to make them cum, be the guardians of their bodies and boundaries for fear of being used, taken advantage of or labelled slutty. There unfortunately is still a highly toxic environment around consent that is slowly gaining awareness and skills are being taught so everyone can actually feel safe enough and have peace of mind to trust that they can have and voice sexual desires with their boundaries, comfort and emotions respected. So when women are given the opportunity to ask for what they want or take charge in sex and play, it often feels like flipping the script too and can even cause an identity crisis, similarly for men letting go of the way they feel they’re always supposed to be seen and act.
Another very common misconception is that just because we have desires that are sadistic, masochistic, dominant or submissive (and many other things we may find discomfort about), doesn’t mean we want to be or do these things out in the rest of our lives or that they define who we are. Our desires actually come from our brain eroticizing emotional needs and formative experiences throughout our lives. Using myself as an example, I’ve struggled with fears of not being capable, important or seen. I felt awkward and insecure growing up, having my voice constantly cut-down and feeling like a burden because others needs were more important. I didn’t feel attractive or important enough for someone to actually like me or value my thoughts or what I felt. I also feel harmful inside for my animalistic and sadistic urges that I repressed for fear of hurting others.
When I trained as a Dominatrix, I felt far more seen and loved being able to show this side of myself. I was able to develop my loving sadist with those I felt safe with. I learned to accept that others wanted to give me what I want AND they craved my “dark” side. I feared that part of me was harmful, but finding others that craved me enjoying using them to satisfy my urges finally had a lost part of me clawing to the surface and breaking for air. How I describe my sadism is that I crave witnessing the impact of the physical or psychological pain I inflict on others. I develop a deep consensual emotional relationship with someone to learn their buttons and crave drawing reactions from them as I hit the things to do and say to them in a beautifully twisted and intimate narrative so they are pushed to experience the things they deeply want to feel, experience and be seen as with me.
In coaching, all of this can be huge paradigm shifts for everyone involved as it was for me but also personally has unlocked a deep sense of freedom, authenticity and power because I’m far more myself and I live and navigate life and relationships far more smoothly and with deeper connection because I’m not repressing or fighting shame or guilt as much as I used to. It’s seriously been some of the most important work I’ve done for myself that has had a ripple effect improving my life in just about all of it’s facets.
With the humans in my office, I've seen so many go through these same steps and it plays my heart strings to walk alongside them as they self-actualize. Teaching individuals to step into the role of a Dominant is a lot of responsibility and I have to undo the narrative that being dominant means you’re just being a forceful asshole or cold bitch. As a Dominant, you are responsible for multiple vital layers of your play partner’s safety including physically and psychologically as well as knowing yourself well enough to know if their kinks are a fit for you. To be submissive, the practice of letting go to receive and pushed beyond comfort edges is about the vulnerability of knowing yourself well enough to be able to describe in intimate detail to your play partner what you crave to experience emotionally and what those actions can look like. It's also important to let your Dominant know information including (not limited to) emotional triggers, injuries and medical concerns you may have.
It means so much to be able to full-time facilitate these conversations and be the place for what my clients individually want, help them populate their “sexy play menu” and try it out all together slowly and learn together. Through all of this, I have seen clients find permission, reassurance, freedom and power because they feel less burdened by the fears of shame, guilt or rejection and become more open with their partners, leading to some of the best play, sex and relationship chemistry.