What Makes Men Attractive
Dating, sex, and relationship advice for men who date women and want to do things right.
This is a collection of thoughts from common issues I’ve seen for men who date women as a Sex, Intimacy & Kink Coach and Dominatrix over the past ten years.
1. Be confident in your desire and gracious when you hear “no.”
Ask to kiss me, show your desire, and don’t turn frustrated if I’m not into it. Be safe and confident. Don’t thirst after me, making your desire for me my responsibility to manage.
Confidence to be able to use your own words and mean what you say is sexy. We’re all trying to navigate this dating world, and clear communication with respect for where we’re at is what you want to be going for.
I do think the narrative of asking killing the mood is dated and asks people to mind-read. To my fellow women who date men, (a lot of them) they want to do it right. We also need to accept that if they’re asking for clarity on boundaries, that’s a green flag! They want to respect where we’re comfortable.
So to my guys, the key to this is asking or saying you want to kiss us or escalate while feeling that desire, enjoying saying it, and graciously accepting a no if she’s not feeling it. She’s still the same human you were desiring a second ago. Treat her with respect and get over any disappointment. She doesn’t exist to serve your validation or soothe your rejection sensitivity.
Some of the sexiest moments are when men have asked me to escalate and beautifully took my no and kept wanting to spend time with me without flinching. I could tell they valued spending time with me, and I didn’t feel pressured.
2. Show that you’re genuinely happy to see me.
I love when you’re genuinely happy to see me and you express that. Literally tell me you’re looking forward to spending time with me. Show it through the warmth in your face and body language. Be curious about my day and want to share yours with me. It makes me feel valued and important.
3. Know yourself emotionally and communicate what you’re experiencing.
I love when you can actually talk about what you’re feeling and experiencing with me. It lets me know what you need and want, and listen to and respect the same things from me. This one is huge. No one is a mind reader.
I think it’s sexy as hell when a man has done the work to know how he ticks, where he’s still working on himself, and is able to take accountability for his impact and emotional regulation.
What that can look like is: “I know I tend to get insecure around ____. My brain translates it to mean ____ If you have the bandwidth, I would love for you to reassure me of or do ____.”
That is sexy because it’s knowing yourself well enough to name what’s going on, processing it, and then making me aware and asking me if I have the energy and room to show up for something sensitive for you.
That’s sexy. You’re showing you’re emotionally intelligent, able to handle yourself, comfortable being a flawed human, and value me by involving me in your process about us.
4. Know how to connect in ways other than sex.
It is so important to know other ways to receive love and connection and know how to do that for your partner. When you know how to connect in other ways than sex (and especially penetrative sex). It is such a relief when you aren’t fixated on your dick being the “ultimate way” to feel love and connection.
Unfortunately, what’s been put out there so much is an emphasis on sex being the main event and the most potent way to feel something. It’s a lot of pressure to exist with that mindset. It has made me shut down and slowly become less attracted to partners over time if this is their mindset.
The problem I see is the attitude that women owe men sex if men do the right things to “earn” sex or need it to feel loved and accepted. I think a lot of women are tired of being that means of validation. It objectifies and dehumanizes us and can be so depleting having to go through hearing and feeling all of your disappointment dumped on us about it.
I work with so many women who don’t even like sex anymore and don’t know their own desires because we’ve had men pawing at us for validation through sex. It wasn’t about us and our desires. That’s about being consumed for validation. Guys, if this is your mindset, it is killing your relationship. Learn how to find love and connection through other ways. This will help you, your relationship and lead to treating your partner like a another equal human and deepen your connection.
5. Learn to manage your emotions without making your partner responsible for them.
It is important to know how to recognize when you’re coming from a place of insecurity and reaching for our partner as a balm. I want you know how to not dump the emotional labor on me.
When we sign up for relationships, we are exposing each other to these aspects of ourselves, and it’s important to try to find, to the best of our ability, a balance between regulating ourselves and giving our partner the option to co-regulate if they’re willing and able to show up. That’s being in adult relationships.
If I’m being expected to hold your hand through every rupture we may have and hear about how hard it is for you, rather than you also being able to hear what’s feeling difficult for me from your actions, I’m learning that you don’t have the capacity to consider anyone else.
A man who can hear how he impacts me and then learn how to show up differently because he cares how he impacts me (and of course this goes both ways in relationships) is safe and therefore, more attractive.
We’re two equal humans learning how to be with each other.
Want to work on these skills in your own life?
Knowing yourself and learning to show up differently takes practice. My 30-minute Intimacy Growth check-ins are designed for men who want ongoing support in developing their emotional intelligence, relationship skills, and confidence. With weekly or biweekly conversations and exercises to practice between sessions, we work on turning these ideas into habits you can actually use in your daily life.
6. Put effort into your appearance, health, and home.
Put effort into how you present yourself and keep healthy habits for yourself and your home. There is so much emphasis on women to show up sparkling, usually with a certain body type, and completely put-together.
I remember once being out with a girlfriend for drinks, and two guys intruded and started talking to us. One said, “Wow, you two are making us look bad.” My mouth could not stop the words “Well, keep up” from flying out.
I was annoyed that they intruded, wanting attention from us, but also… it’s ridiculous to go out looking sloppy and expecting women to drop what they’re doing to give you attention. We ended-up doing the typical de-escalation to try to keep enjoying our evening and got away from the interaction.
So, lovingly, guys, please try to eat well, work out, clean your place, and put some effort into your skincare, hair, and dressing like you care how you might come across to someone.
There are so many styles and ways to dress uniquely and sexy in your own way. Find what works for you.
7. Be comfortable giving and receiving direction during sex.
When you’re comfortable receiving and asking for direction during sexy time (this goes both ways!). I love this SO much when a man asks me for direction on what works best for me before and during sexy time and I love when knows what he wants and is able to communicate it before and during, too.
I also love knowing what you need if your cock is needing something to want to participate. You’re not a machine, and you have feelings too! Figure out what really works for you so all of you wants to participate, and let us know.
We’re both figuring each other out, and some of the best sex I’ve had has been when we were both saying what we want as we’re starting and/or during. I hate the idea that it’s just supposed to go perfectly without any communication. That’s a fairytale. We’re adults now. Get comfortable using your words and receiving direction!
8. Be comfortable in your own skin instead of performing masculinity.
When you’re comfortable in your own skin and not trying to prove a version of what makes you a “man” or what you think makes you attractive, that’s hot.
I’ve seen a lot of insecurity and felt rigidity in men on dates and in working with me. What I feel is like I had to manage feelings (hello, emotional labor for fear of retaliation or keeping the interaction going!) and that felt like work rather than the joy of exploring a connection.
If a woman is attracted to a certain way of someone showing up that’s not what you are, that’s a compatibility issue, and you have just learned that.
Guys, please don’t try to mold yourselves into what you think is attractive to us. We can feel the inauthenticity, and it’s false advertising! You don’t want to have to keep up a facade, and we want to know genuinely what you’re looking for so we’re kind to each other and don’t waste each other’s time (especially if we’re looking for a genuine deeper connection and relationship).
9. Know yourself and what you want before pursuing a relationship.
One thing I say repeatedly to men is to know yourself, what you want, and what works for you first in the relationship you’re seeking. This saves you and everyone so much in the long run.
When you know what you want and how you tick, you’re far more grounded in a sense of worthiness and security and are so much sexier to experience because we feel that confidence. We can see as equal, kind, and curious humans, if we like spending time with each other.
That’s what building whatever kind of relationship you want is about. Can we be secure enough to be honest, open, kind, and curious with the person in front of us?
All we can do is control how we show up. It’s up to us to know ourselves and show up with genuine curiosity and care for another human we may grow to value and spend time with.
Want to become the kind of man women feel good being around?
You don't have to figure it all out on your own.
I'm a Sex, Intimacy & Kink
Coach and professional Dominatrix who works with men on understanding themselves, navigating dating, developing emotional and sexual confidence, and learning to build better connections with women.
Whether you're looking for deeper one-on-one coaching or ongoing support through my 30-minute Intimacy Growth check-ins, we can work on the real-life skills that make you a better lover, partner, and human.
Learn intimacy from a Dominatrix. I'll whip you into shape ;)
