Sex & Relationship Advice from a Sex Coach for Men Who Love Women
- Ashley Randall
- Aug 19
- 5 min read
I have worked mostly with men over the past near decade in my private practice and it means so much to be a coach who is a practice partner and friend giving loving and real direct feedback on how to navigate sexual dynamics, intimacy and relationships within sessions. I do this because I'm a woman who loves men and I want us all to have better relationships and sex lives. We're all on the same team here. These are some of the common issues I see come up again and again. Here’s some grounded, practical advice I’ve seen transform men’s sex lives and relationships:
1. Know What You Want, Sexually and Emotionally
If you don’t know what you want, how can you talk about it with confidence and know what you're looking for?
Get clear on your sexual desires, kinks, fetishes, and what actually turns you on. The same goes for emotional intimacy: how do like to give and receive love and care? What makes you feel safe to open up when you want to? Are you working on trauma? Attachment anxiety or avoidance?
Knowing and owning your desires and learning how to navigate your emotional intimacy quirks helps you communicate, reduces anxiety, and makes you more confident and trustworthy to a partner. Trust me, this is sexy. ALSO, the more you know these things, the better your sex life becomes. They're worth doing the inner work to know.
2. Performance Issues Are Often About Pressure, Not Physiology
Sexual dysfunction (erection difficulties, finishing too quickly, not finishing at all) often isn’t about your body being “broken.” It’s about stress, disconnection, or shame. If you're not having the same issues getting off on your own, it's often a big indication it's psychological (and it's always a good idea to check with your doctor).
Anxiety, outcome pressure (“I have to perform perfectly”), shame for your desires, disconnection from self or uncomfortable with your partner or not getting the kind of sex you actually crave are common underlying reasons. Your body is trying to tell you something.
The antidote? Curiosity, slowing down, and shifting focus from “performing” to focusing on the connection with yourself, your partner and both of your desires. Let's get you out of the damn mindset that you're a machine and pressuring yourself to perform or to appease someone else. The more you do that, the bigger the snowball becomes.
3. You’re Not a Romance Novel Character, Stop Living in the Fairytale
That cultural story that men are always a the rock? Harmful. You're not a romance novel character or super hero, prince charming, knight in shining armor, provider, protector or big boss man all the time. That's exhausting. you're human.
Sometimes you’re stressed, grieving, tired, or distracted. Sometimes you need to receive. Usually, the more you try to keep up the fairytale or archetype persona, the more distanced you become in your relationship. I know that if a partner fights sharing with me their struggles so I know what's going on and doesn't let me in so I can show-up for them, the less I feel I can be human. I feel like I have to be perfect, which is not sustainable and it turns me off because I 'm not really seeing them or feeling connected to them.
Drop the script that you have to be the thing (whatever it is) 24/7. Real intimacy is in two people showing up as humans, not stereotypes. When men really let me see the different facets of them, that's sexy and a step into real intimacy. You're a whole sex, messy human and I can help you practice navigating it for authentic and sustainable relationships.
4. Consent Isn’t Just a Box to Tick, It’s the Vibe
Rushing past consent or ignoring body language is dismissive, unsexy, and damaging. It shuts women down, makes us feel unsafe, and leaves so much of our sexual landscape undiscovered. Learn how you like to give and receive consent so you feel confident navigating it, and know that everyone makes mistakes.
Slowing down, checking in, and respecting boundaries is sexy. It makes women feel safe and means we don’t have to carry the emotional labor of holding boundaries and managing you. If you want to lead, do it by taking care of the emotional connection, tell us what you’d like, ask what we’d like, and listen. Pushing past a “no” is coercion. Find a way of asking for consent that feels authentic and sexy to you.
The way you give and ask for consent sets the tone. Done with confidence, curiosity, and warmth, it becomes arousing—not awkward. It’s a misconception that asking is unsexy. What matters is discovering how you and your partner feel most comfortable and safe giving and receiving it.
This is delicate work. If someone refuses to communicate or dismisses your effort, you’re allowed to walk away. A former partner once told me about a date who said she “shouldn’t have to talk” about what she wanted sexually. He told her he didn’t want to do anything unless she could talk about it. She got angry and left, but I thought his stance was incredibly sexy. Clear communication is what makes intimacy safe and hot.
I feel safest and sexiest when someone checks in, values my feelings, and creates space for me to voice them. Taking care of the emotional connection is what allows the sexual connection to really thrive.
5. Drop Shame & Attachment to Outcome, Drop Creepy
Men often fear being seen as “creepy,” but here’s the truth: curiosity without shame and attachment to outcome is attractive and so is your desire. There's nothing wrong with your desire, it's how you handle it.
Creepy energy comes from shame about your desire, pushing, ignoring signals, or being attached to an outcome (“I have to get laid”, "Get her number or Insta" etc.). I have been alongside and witnessed some "dating and confidence" coaches use woke therapy speech, bulldozing, manipulation and coercion in attempts to get what they want and it's really unsexy, downright disrespectful and toxic. I can't tell you how many times I have felt like a means to an end for validation and it makes me feel grossly objectified and not seen as an equal human.
Sexy energy comes from being present, relaxed, and genuinely curious about the person in front of you. If we're possibly into you, we want to feel your desire and interest and not have to do your emotional labor for you if we're not feeling something and give you a no. We don't want to be on the receiving end of anyone's tantrum or shame spiral who can't take a no well (hard truth!). I do enjoy warm hellos and smiles that don't come with strings attached. They boost my day, more of those please! We're all looking for the right fit with someone at the right time. I can help you practice navigating this confidently. Your desire is wanted.
Final Thought: You’re not “too much,” and you’re not broken. You’re human. Knowing yourself, dropping shame, and focusing on connection instead of performance will make you not only a better lover, but a more desirable, grounded, and satisfied man and partner to women. To work with me on any of these common topics, contact me here.
