Sex & Intimacy Tips from a Dominatrix: Real Advice for Anyone Who Wants a Better Sex Life

1. Your Desires Aren’t Wrong—They’re a Map to What You Really Want & Need

What turns you on is often a reflection of your emotional needs, past experiences, and longings. Kink and fantasy are creative expressions of the psyche. Treat them as clues to follow for more deeply satisfying sex, play and connection, not character flaws. I know it can be scary to face them and share them with someone who means a lot to us and fear how they may react. But please know, you're not alone in feeling this way if you do. It's worth it to do a deep dive and talk about them and learn if needed, how to navigate bringing them up.

There's nothing wrong with you, our brains turn our experiences, needs and wants into fantasies, kinks, fetishes and desires and you're not alone.

2. Psychological Safety Is the Foreplay Most People Skip

So much of great sex—especially kinky or vulnerable sex—comes down to feeling safe. If you’re scared of being judged, rejected, or misunderstood, you won’t open up. Creating emotional safety is as important as consent and technique.

The best sex I’ve had wasn’t when I was hoping they would understand me, have skills and then it magically was sheet-fisting sex. It was when I felt safe voicing anything and everything about what I wanted in the moment and having my partner actually care about what I was feeling and show-up caring about that by asking what they could do to be what I need AND what helped them feel the same. I have personally felt so shut down and had at best , boring experiences (and hopefully not violated) leaving me wanting when I have felt people I have engaged with become prickly when I try to have a real conversation about what makes me relax into feeling safe in connection and sex. Bottom line, if you don’t feel like you can have real conversations and be met with the intention of kindness and care from someone starting at the bare minimum, which is emotional intimacy, your sex life will follow suit.

3. Shame Will Sabotage You—Until You Stop Hiding

Many people fear their “darker” sexual urges because they associate them with being harmful or unlovable. But those urges often come from deeply human places. When you find someone who craves what you’re afraid to show, everything changes.

It’s what makes us feel seen and even loved so potently. It’s like throwing gasoline on a fire. Our sex life and relationships can ignite when we feel seen, accepted and wanted for it. I know. It can be the last thing on earth we want to do when that voice inside of us is saying the worst will happen when we tell them that thing about us, the thing we want or need or what we fantasize they might do with us. But repressing that thing about us is what’s keeping us caged and shackled. Every time that I remember that I have finally spoken what I want and need that felt (insert whatever self-limiting narrative like “I’m harmful, Not Enough, Too much, Not Worthy,  Not Lovable…and many more) and I followed through on being true to what I really wanted and needed, I am in a far better place. Yes, the disruption can be hard as hell, but I would take it over the choice to stay silent in my relationships. You don't have to feel or be alone in this.

4. Sex Is More Freeing When You’re Not Pretending

The deepest, hottest, most fulfilling sex comes when you're not performing—when you're being honest.

Trying to "get through it" or "perform" is usually more disconnecting and makes your partner feel less desired and even alone. It’s like you’re not there, you check-out. I’ve been on the receiving end of this and done it myself. I want you to be there with that person and letting them know what you want to and not bypassing yourself to fit what you think they want. There is always collaboration and trying new things and trying them and doing them for our partners but if you’re pushing yourself through things too often it could be wreaking havoc on your sex life, connection and also cause sexual function issues. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to perform or pretend for fear of a consequence. Oftentimes, I see this happening unconsciously. Sometimes we’re unaware of why we’re shutting off emotionally, not wanting sex or intimacy and having sexual function issues. I see a lot of it come from pretending or trying to live up to a role or expectation and then the raging libido and relief that comes from when we stop pretending. You don't owe ANYONE bypassing yourself at your expense. It's worth examining if you're feeling like there's something you can't put your finger on that's keeping you in performance mode or pretending.

5. Dominance and Submission Are About Trust—Not Control for Control’s Sake

Power play isn’t about being mean or mindless. It’s about consensually exploring vulnerability, control, and surrender in a way that makes both people feel deeply seen. Being dominant means being attentive, attuned, and responsible. Being submissive means being brave enough to let go, not weak.

I once saw a therapist give a talk titled “D does not stand for douchebag.” and I loved everything she had to say. Being a Dominant is a lot of responsibility you take on because you actually care about the other person down across many levels and are responsible for them on levels including emotional, psychological and physical safety and your own bandwidth as well as the same. You must remain attuned to their emotional and body responses to you throughout the entire play scene as well as your own including pre-play detailed negotiations and aftercare to re-orient. 

I have seen time and again (especially at some sex and play parties unfortunately) how gender norms are also stupidly problematic and used as an excuse for performance because of a need for validation. If we’re talking the heteronormative gender binary, just because you’re a man, it doesn’t mean that you’re expected to be or are dominant and just because you’re woman, it doesn’t mean you’re expected to be or are submissive. Anyone who doesn't start with negotiation, says they have no boundaries or safe words, or tries to sell you on how you should ignore your feelings and be more in your “divine feminine or masculine” you should probably exit the conversation as fast as possible. They’re most likely trying to control and manipulate you for their own validation and selfish reasons.

Dominance and submission (D/s) is for any and all humans who want to after negotiated play with consensual power exchange and not just try to control or prove something for validation. To learn this heavily-nuanced and intimate art, please take classes and seek the help of a coach or therapist. This play is never entirely safe and before you jump in, you need to make sure you are keeping yourself and your play partner safe. Please feel free to reach out here. It’s one of my favorite topics to join you on your path with.

With care,

Ashley & Irreverent Femme

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